my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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