all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
