i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
