the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
