Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
