This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
