We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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