I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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