Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
