i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
