Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
