I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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