i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
