If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
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