i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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