Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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