her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
