apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
