yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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