hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
