The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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