WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
