can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
