Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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