Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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