life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
