nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
