My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
