You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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