Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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