I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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