don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Randomize
