oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
