its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
