this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
