just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
