Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
