You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
