new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
