I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
