You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
