I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
