Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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