my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
this boner is exhausting
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
