you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
