The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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