It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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