and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
