Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
