Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
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